Even violent women & natural perms need love
by XxabridgedgirlyxX
Summary: When mixing parfaits and dark matter together, this is what you get, namely the Apocalypse. Collection of GinTae one-shots. #5: Marriages usually end in disaster
1. Chapter 1

**It's been ages since I last updated, but inspiration has to strike now doesn't it? Well, this is the first in a collection of GinxTae one-shots, these will all be less than 2500 words. Just a collection of all my little stories and ideas that aren't big enough to post separately (or just when the laziness kicks in). The rating will mostly be T, unless stated otherwise at the beginning of the chapter.**

**Pairing: GinxTae (if you were wondering)**

**Rating: T for fried eggs**

**Genre: General & Romance **

**Disclaimer (for the once and for all) I do not own Gintama, merely a fan with too much free time on her hands**

**All GinxTae fics I've read so far have been more Gin's point of view, so I'm writing this one more from Tae's viewpoint. It's a bit difficult since they don't really show much of her thoughts in the show but I'll try to keep her in character.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**It's best not to sleep outside during Hanami**

"6 eggs please." A young brunette in a red kimono asked the clerk of the local convenience store, the man turned around and went to get his customer's request. Said clerk luckily never had the chance to taste an egg after this particular client was done with it, her brother had (and had just survived). The girl, around eighteen years of age, paid for the eggs and was already making plans to try out a new recipe she had found earlier in a magazine. After Shin-chan kept refusing to eat her fried eggs, she figured he didn't like them anymore and decided to try something new.

"Your change, Miss." She kindly accepted the money and stepped out the store, looking up when she felt the heat of the sun on her skin. Even if it was spring, the sun gave off enough heat to make anyone believe it was already summer. She opened her favourite green umbrella and shielded herself from the warm light. She twirled it a bit out of habit and thought back when she had borrowed Gin this particular umbrella.

She thought back of when she had first met him, how it had been a punch at first sight. Even if he had helped her brother, he framed Shin-chan and made him lose his job. Though her image of him changed completely when he defended them from their debt-collector without a second thought, endangering himself, even if it was for just a minute. A very strange man but his heart was in the right place, and she understood why Shin-chan wanted to work for him, although she sometimes wondered where his salary was going.

It was only when she saw them on TV after the explosion at the embassy, which was according to himself completely not his fault, that she noticed how unusual Gin looked. Curly silver hair, pale skin and deep red, almost maroon eyes, not to mention his rather unique choice of clothing.

A pleasant little breeze snapped her out of her thoughts and she saw some sakura petals dancing with the wind. Hanami was steadily approaching and all sakura trees were already fully blossomed. She decided to lengthen her walk and headed in the direction of the park with the intention to have a little break at the sakura trees. Her thoughts still remained with the Jack-Of-All-Trades.

_'It must be around that time that I…'_ She felt a little blush on her face with that thought. Ever since he had 'defeated' (rather cheated) Kondo, she had felt some attraction towards him. Even if she was a bit flattered at first by Kondo's constant courting, she found that her attraction towards Gin had grown into something more serious. After a while, the Shinsengumi commander became a pest and she always felt the need to punch him extra hard when Gin was around, just to get the message over to both him and her crush. Tae hoped that similar feelings enveloped Gintoki whenever she was near, but she doubted it; he always seemed so relax and at ease.

Another breeze blew her hair around a bit and the sakura trees were coming into view. She smiled at the pretty sight and was quite surprised to see that there was no one in the park on this lovely day. Tae walked a bit further into the park and settled against the base of a tree after placing her shopping bags beside her. The wind played with the falling petals and she plucked some of them out of her hair. She still couldn't stop thinking about that certain person and found that he was becoming more attractive with the day.

She sighed and decided to let the matter rest for the moment, and silently hoped it would solve itself. She looked behind her at the sakura tree as to blame it for her problems, and was quite curious when she saw something silver in the grass behind it. She quietly got up and stepped beside the tree. She was rather surprised to find the one troubling her mind for the last few weeks peacefully sleeping on his side.

She smiled at the sight and moved to sit next to the sleeping Gin, trying to keep as quiet as possible, bags now completely forgotten. The wind didn't seem to bother the oldest of the Yorozuya as he was still fast asleep. She studied his sleeping face and made the rather funny conclusion that it wasn't much different from his normal face, just with his eyes closed.

She continued to look at his face until her eyes finally locked on his lips. She wondered how it would be to- But stopped her train of thoughts before she could finish, not really wanting to let her imagination run loose and she turned her head away in embarrassment. Only to find that she just went back to looking at him, and her eyes once again landing on the same place as before.

'_What if…'_ She brought her face closer and checked if he really was asleep. Not gaining a reaction, she moved her face so that their noses were nearly touching, and still no reaction. A voice in her head told her that what she was going to do, was a very bad idea. She flinched when he shifted a bit, and sighed in relief as he didn't seem to be awake. She sat back upright but continued to look at his face. _'He's still asleep, so just one quick kiss. He won't even notice.' _She finally collected all her courage and without a second thought, she touched his lips with her own.

Very soft and not even lasting more than a second. She pulled away with red cheeks, a smile playing on her lips. Even if it was stolen, she got what she wanted eventually.

She turned around and stoop up, but jumped at the sudden voice behind her.

"Creeping up on a sleeping person, what a despicable thing to do."

Even if his words were accusing, his voice sounded rather amused, which she took as a good sign. Her back was turned at him so she couldn't see the amused or even satisfied grin that was plastered on his face.

"I wasn't really creeping up on you, I was merely testing something." She still had her back towards him and decided to beat the memory out of him when it came to it. She started to walk away but was stopped as she felt a strong grip on her wrist, and then a slight pull, making her land in, what she presumed was, his lap. The grip on her wrist was released and she could feel his hot breath tickle against her neck.

"I demand a retest."

* * *

**Well, this was shorter than most of my fics but I already said I will post shorter ones here. I know there wasn't much Gin and Tae conversation in here but I wanted to write something about Tae, how she thinks etc. As said before, her thoughts aren't really shown so this can be OOC, depends on how you see Tae I guess. Just messing around with her character or so… **

**This was the first, I already have 2 ideas for the next ones and I'll try to find some time to write 'em.**

**I hope you enjoyed and please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**My inspiration left me for a while and just when I had 3 ideas in a row, I didn't have any time to write. A rater chaotic week but yeah, at last when I found time to finish this, my computer was acting up so I had to re-type some of it. And my vacation is officially over, say goodbye to writing in the afternoon with a glass of coke *****sniff* **

**Rating: T **

**Genre: (some) Humour & Romance**

* * *

, and if I did, it wouldn't be as good as it is now...GintamaDisclaimer: I do not own

**Don't open a bedroom door without knocking**

After blinking a few times, Gin slowly regained his vision. He looked up at the ceiling and was a bit curious, actually rather shocked when he noticed it wasn't his own. A not too large room, an open door that revealed a bit of sunlight and a large Japanese styled garden, so he confirmed he was still in Japan. He noticed he was still dressed in his normal clothes minus his yukata and shoes that were tossed carelessly besides his bed. Gintopki slowly sat up and looked around the room as his memories came flooding back to him.

_'Right, I'm at the Shimura house.' _He remembered the night before, Shinpachi was only coming back in the morning due to a concert, Tae asked if Gin could come over so they could have some quality time together. Just the two of them without Shinpachi, Kagura or Sadaharu for that matter to disturb them. They lost track of time and he ended up spending the night here, in the same room, next to…

As most of his memories returned, he started to sweat a little. They didn't, or did they? By now, Gin started to panic. Even if they had something, he wasn't prepared to die because of a small mistake on both of their parts (probably more on his). He slowly looked at his left and confirmed his suspicion as Tae was sleeping next to him. Thoughts of all the possible excuses flashed through his head, but then it hit him. He was still dressed, she was wearing her pajamas so they couldn't have… He sighed in relief and lay back down, arms folded behind his head. He rather liked their current situation and didn't really want to ruin everything because of a tiny, or maybe not so tiny, mistake.

A small groan made him look at his left, apparently his squirming had woken his companion. Tae was indeed slowly starting to wake up and smiled when she looked up at him, eyes not completely open because of the intensity of the light.

"Good morning." It was barely above a whisper, but Gin was glad she wasn't freaking out because they were sharing a bed, or a mat in this case. She closed her eyes again and buried her face in his side, arms wrapped around his waist to make sure he wasn't going anywhere, not that he actually wanted to move in the first place.

'I don't want to wake up yet' was her rather creative excuse, gaining a smile from her current pillow. He turned on his side and faced her.

"Well you should, Shinpachi could arr-"

"Ane-eu?" They both heard a voice coming from the other room, they looked simultaneously at the door and then back at each other. A few seconds later, the door slowly slided open and Shinpachi stood on the doorstep, still in his Otsuu-Fanclub-Captain uniform.

"Ohayo!" He cheerfully greeted his sister, just in time to see her kick something out the door that suspiciously looked like a pair of boots. She greeted cheerfully back, as if nothing happened, and was glad for Gin's speed and acrobatics which had helped him to duck into a closet just in time.

_'Now I'll have to go home barefoot.' _He thought inside the closet, but didn't dare to make a sound. He looked around in it and found it quite spacious, but a bit dark, he wondered how Kagura could sleep in one. When his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he noticed he wasn't alone and found Sarutobi sound asleep, not to far from where he was sitting/hiding. Not wanting to wake her up and create a ruckus, he kept quiet and listened to the conversation. The samurai heard Shinpachi ask something and could make out his name.

_'He went by Kagura this morning and I wasn't there!' _Panic struck him but he figured he could always use the excuse that he was too drunk to find the way home last night and that he passed out somewhere along the road. Tae responded, Shinpachi said something and left the room. Gin released his breath that he didn't know he was holding and checked if Sarutobi was still asleep. He was about to open the door, but quickly closed it again as he heard Shinapchi enter the room again.

Shinpachi said something that Gin couldn't quite understand and left the room. Gin waited a few seconds before he slowly opened the door a little to peek inside the room.

"You can come out." With that, she slided the door completely open and saw Gin with a relieved look on his face, but looked a bit questioning at the sleeping Ninja in her closet. Gin shrugged, with a You-Know-What's-It-Like-To-Have-A-Stalker-Look and stepped back into the room.

"Are you sure that brother of yours won't come back again to ask where the toilet might be located?" Gin asked a little bit annoyed because of Shinpachi's despicable timing.

"I promised to make him breakfast." She said with a smile, evil intent clearly in her voice. Gin involuntarily shuddered at the thought and decided not to make a comment, he had escaped death already today, he shouldn't be pushing his luck. Tae didn't seem to notice his shudder or even cared, she pulled her hair up in it's normal ponytail and grabbed a kimono out of the closet that wasn't occupied by one of their stalkers and proceeded to the bathroom. Gin got the hint and waited in the room for her return, wondering where his boots might have landed. He put on his yukata, right sleeve tucked over the waistband, bokuto hanging on his left, the small black belt holding it up.

Gin sighed and leaned against the half open door, looking outside for his boots, currently still Missing In Action. After waiting a couple of minutes (Gin wondered how long it could take to clothe yourself), Tae returned. Her pajamas, now neatly folded, were placed in the closet, the one without the Ninja, and she went over to Gin. Understanding her intentions, Gin leaned forward to meet her lips but of course, if something could go wrong, it would go wrong.

Shinpachi chose the moment to burst through the door, saying something irrelevant to the whole story. Quite surprised, Tae jumped a bit and landed on Gintoki, the latter landing on the door. The door, now unable to hold the sudden weight, collapsed under the pressure and made the pair tumble outside, Tae landing on Gin in an even more compromising position that won't be explained due to the rating of the story. Sarutobi had woken up because of the noise and stuck her head out the closet, pushing up her glasses and lecturing them that they shouldn't make so much noise when people where trying to sleep and retreated back into the closet.

"I'll come back later." Shinpachi said and left the room in shock, muttering something that he shouldn't open doors without knocking first.

* * *

**Author's notes:**

**I thank you for the wait and I can say that I already have an idea for the next one, just need to check some things. Also, if you have something you would wish to see in a fic, please PM me or leave a review. It can be an idea, a scene whatever, a situation you want to read or see but you're too lazy to write it yourself. Just send your ideas over… Also I have discovered the virtue of volumes, and finally found a store where they sell manga! So I'm rereading Bleach now (they have only translated like 6 volumes and I only found the first two) so yeah. Does anyone know if Gintama has been translated in Dutch yet? I find it increasingly annoying to read it on Mangafox or so because there are a lot of chapters missing.**

**The thing they sleep on, is it a tatami mat? I know those are the mats that cover the floor but I'm not really sure what their bed's called… Also I have a habit of torturing Shinpachi, but he is the only one that would react that way, Kagura would just say they were playing twister… Oh the innocence…**

**I hope you enjoyed and please review! ^^**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's another one! I can't really write during the week since I'm too busy to write/update****.****Also, I've noticed two of my GinTae fic's have been hosted on without me knowing (they did mention my author's name) , once again, if you want to copy this, please PM me or redirect the readers to this site and also mention the author. But back to my fanfic, long time I've written some GinTae! Don't wanna disappoint you people out there! I normally write my one-shots in one afternoon but I had to split up this one a bit, things got in my way so sorry it's a tad late.**

**Rating: T **

**Warnings: Mini spoiler for ep 46 mixed with Dom Périgon and strawberry milk.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama**

"talk"

_'thoughts' or 'tv talk'_

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Don't mix Dom Péri with strawberry milk unless you want a hangover**

"So just how did we end up like this again?"

"It's a vicious circle."

Two men were standing just outside a hostess bar, both clad in only their boxers and shoes. The youngest of the duo, the one with the strawberry-printed boxers and silver perm, sighed and hung his head in defeat.

"She's your acquaintance." The older one said and took out the cigarette out of his mouth, exhaling dull grey smoke into the fresh morning air.

"Good point."

How that woman had convinced him once again to spend some more money in that hostess bar of hers, he did not know, he only remembered how she had threatened him, involuntarily making him agree to whatever she wanted. He shuddered at the recollection of the demonic antics of the young woman and wondered just why that gorilla kept following her everywhere. 'Must be into S&M.' was the thought that crossed his mind and he considered setting him up for a date with that stalker of his. Speaking of her, where was she anyway?

The two men sighed simultaneously and turned to return home, both of their wallets empty. Not that there had been any amount in there worth mentioning before, it was just the thought of being broke that made the two even more broke than they already were.

"It's all in the mind! Money is like an annoying stalker," Gin said, starting one of his speeches but quickly realized he was giving a bad example, "No wrong example, money is like a cold. If you ignore it enough it'll go away by itself!"

"That's not completely right, when you have a cold you have a mother that looks after you."

"Not everyone has a mother that makes you chicken soup when you have a cold."

"Well not everybody likes chicken soup! And where is this conversation leading to anyway?!"

Back from where they started, they sighed.

Again.

Probably the one hundred and forty-sixth time of those rather short, but seemingly endless, few hours. They looked at each other, red eyes meeting sunglasses, and decided to go back home, realizing that sighing and sulking wouldn't make any difference.

"Ah! Gin-san?" The colorful boss of the hostess bar called out to him, head poking out the door.

Both Gin and Hasegawa turned at the mention of the name, looking straight at the owner with a glare of both lost pride and anger, eyes slightly glowing.

"Just what's with those looks of anger!" The owner regained his pose and stepped outside in the chilly morning air.

"Ano, Tae-chan's a bit… drunk?" He said the last part with a bit of uncertainty, not really knowing the reaction he would get. As it was just indifference and a pinky that dug into a nose, he motioned them to come closer.

"Could you take her home? She's been here longer than usual, her brother might get worried…" He requested the man, "I know you're a friend of hers."

"What do I get for it?"

"You still owe me!"

"Give at least my clothes back, it'll be your fault if I get a cold and I have to send you the bill for the chicken soup." Indifferent as ever, he scratched his neck and yawned, feeling the lack of sleep catching up with him.

"Just what are you talking about?" The owner sweatdropped and decided to ignore the last part of the sentence but went back inside to get the samurai's robes.

* * *

"Ne, Gin-san."

"Mmh?" Gin looked up, shifting the sleeping girl in his arms a bit so her head was resting against his chest instead of his arm.

"You could have at least asked for my clothes as well." Hasegawa walked beside him, gaining strange looks from both mailmen and early shoppers, who weren't really used to seeing a silver haired man carrying both a bokuto and a young woman, followed by an old man dressed in only blue striped boxers. Gintoki was used to the attention because of his hair but Hasegawa couldn't help but feel a bit uncomfortable as an old man had lectured them about 'adult things' not even two minutes ago.

They left the busiest part of Kabuki behind them and didn't encounter anyone besides a few stray cats and a strange, alienated creature that looked like it was wearing a duck costume, holding a sign that read; 'Have you seen this person?', together with a deformed picture of what should resemble a… man? The alcohol was blurring Hasegawa's vision a bit so he couldn't really tell.

"Gin-san, isn't that…?"

"Ignore it, it can shoot lasers from it's eyes." Hasegawa slightly gulped at the response and after giving the creature one last look, caught up with Gin again.

A few minutes of silent walking passed and both men's thoughts were interrupted by a sound coming from Tae. They held their breath and were prepared for the beating of their life once the girl saw who was carrying her but released it as soon as she dozed off again.

"Can't hold her liquor, can she?" Gin remarked with a slight laugh, remembering his first big drink. It was a bit hazy but he remembered a cross-dressing Katsura, Sakamoto singing on top of the table and Takasugi, lacking a bit of clothes, asking him to dance. He shivered involuntarily at the mentally disturbing images and just shook them off to prevent further brain damage.

The older man took his cigarette out of his mouth. "But she is quite the looker."

"Not really my type." The youngest quickly turned away his face from both the girl and the man walking on his left.

"Oh, euh well. That's okay with me Gin-san." Gin looked back in confusion at the latter.

"I didn't really know, but if you're more into that, I don't mind." He put out his cigarette on the back of his shoe, "It's not really important, I just never saw you as the type."

Gin's face went from confused to horrified in one second. "Just what the hell are you talking about?!"

"Ah, well you know…"

"This is a shounen anime, shounen! None of the main characters can be like that!"

"If you say so…"

"Only comic relief characters can be…"

"…."

"…."

"I was married before! I still am!"

A few more minutes of uncomfortable silence passed and Gin yawned for the fourth time that morning. Tae made another sound and moved around a bit in his arms. Gin slightly jumped and started sweating as she snuggled closer against his chest, arms now around his neck, unconsciously drawn to his chest which was warm in contrast to the cold morning air.

_'Come on, don't go doing that now.'_ The near-diabetic grew more uncomfortable with each passing second, turning his head away from the other man to hide the redness that was rapidly spreading on his face.

Sunglasses turned and waved over his shoulder. "I'll leave you two be, don't do anything funny, Gin-san!"

"Don't put me in the same category as you, you…!" Gin accusingly pointed at Hasegawa's back, unable to find any insults that weren't overused already. He heard Hasegawa slightly laugh before he took a right turn and disappeared behind the corner.

_'The guy's still drunk.'_Gin sweatdropped as he watched Hasegawa sway back in his vision and take the left, mumbling something about 'streets looking the same'. The walk went on and Gin wondered how long it could take to walk back to his apartment.

* * *

Shinpachi climbed the wooden stairs of the apartment and opened the door without knocking. His sister hadn't returned from work yet and instead of worrying at home, he could worry here. Wake up his 'boss', his fellow slave ..em… employee and make some breakfast to get his mind of his sister.

He was rather surprised to find Kagura, awake, sitting in front of the tv, face only a few inches away from the screen, sukobu in her mouth.

"Kagura-chan? What are you doing?"

"Ladies Four marathon."

No further questions were necessary and Shinpachi just watched as the 20 long minute 'Wondrous Shampoo' commercial ended and Ladies Four started again.

_'No, don't leave me, Ryuusei!'_

_'You know I love you, but you and I are so different, it could never work out.'_

"Just dump her already and go back to Matsuko, you idiot!"

Shinpachi was amazed by Kagura's condolence and, after seeing her kick a hole in the floor because of said condolence, reminded himself to never interrupt her while watching Ladies Four, fearing that he wouldn't be lucky enough again to barge in at the time of a commercial.

"Will you people stop destroying my shop already!"

"Ah, sorry Otose-san…" He mumbled, enthusiasm not audible in his voice. He covered the hole with a not drenched in dog pee Jump volume and sighed as the book just fell thought it, landing on the bar downstairs with a thud.

* * *

"Ghuuaaa!" He yawned loudly, unable to cover his mouth with one of his hands as they were preoccupied with carrying a certain drunk person. _'Damn,'_ He blinked twice, _'I'm really tired.'_ He could feel the sleep catching up to him and knew his body wasn't going to last conscious much longer.

_'About time.'_ He was greeted with the sight of his familiar apartment and heaved himself up the stairs, careful not to wake the innocent looking, but extremely deadly young woman in his arms. He slided the door open with some difficulty and was going to kick off his shoes before entering, but tripped and crashed into the house.

* * *

The loud sound accompanied by a crack made Shinpachi look up from his cooking, wooden spoon held in his right hand. Still dressed in kitchen apron, wooden spoon ready to cook, he poked his head through the door and looked around the living room.

"Ne Kagura-chan, what was that crack? Did you break another part of the floor?"

He was just greeted by the same image as half an hour ago and Kagura's eyes were still focused on the small screen of the television.

_'For now we end our Ladies Four marathon, next up is the early journ-...'_ Kagura mechanically turned off the tv and turned to Shinpachi, eyes wide and bloodshot. Slightly scaring him, making him drop the wooden spoon.

_'Just what is it with that face?'_

"Did you hear that crack too, Sahara-san?"

"Sahara?" He sweatdropped and wondered if the marathon had damaged her short-term memory.

"It's probably that irresponsible brat of ours coming back late as usual, Sahara-san"

He turned to Kagura with a look of disbelief and confusion. Remembering the crack,he looked at the door were the earlier sound had came from and noticed a heap of black, white and purple. On closer examination, they realized it was just Gin laying next to Tae, faced almost touching, Gin's arm lazily resting on her middle.

"Don't worry Sahara-san, they're just sleeping." Kagura said after receiving no response from Gin as she pulled at a stray lock of silver hair.

"That's why I'm asking, who the hell is Sahara-san?"

* * *

"I understand –datebayo!" Tama saluted Otose and returned to cleaning the small snack shop.

The door to the shop opened, revealing some sunlight. "Ah, I'm sorry but we're clo-" Otose but stopped when she realized who had entered, "Otae-san, welcome."

Tae walked a bit wobbly over to the bar and took a seat, holding her head, enjoying the lack of light in the shop.

"I'm sorry but do you have an aspirin?" She asked, putting up a fake smile. Otose exhaled some more smoke and took out a glass. After filling it with water and a little tablet, she handed it to the young female and watched her gulp it down, a sour look on the girl's face.

Tae winked a bit at the sound of Tama cleaning up and turned around to see the robot running around, yelling 'clean no justu' every once in a while. She looked questionably back at the older woman.

"She absorbs everything she reads or hears, don't know where she got that from." She paused and looked back at Tae, "But what happened to you?"

Tae held her head again and sighed. "I don't really know, it's a bit hazy. All I know is that I woke up in Gin's apartment, Shin-chan said I got a bit drunk at work and I ended up here." She felt another headache coming up and the 'Bankai'-ing on the background wasn't really helping.

"I'm going to lie down a bit more." She stood up and went back outside to climb the stairs that led to the Yorozuya, feeling the unexplainable need to beat up a certain samurai.

* * *

"Ano, sir? Why are you standing next to my bench with two plates of curry?"

"Sir janai, pine tree da!"

* * *

**Finished! Phew, somehow I always end up writing even more crack then planned… I'm planning to do a short story about a job, but I'm running a bit out of good ideas. So if anyone has a good idea, or would like to see the Yorozuya handling a certain job, tell me! Also say which (hinted) pairing you'd like, or none at all, depends… My stories seem to end up crackier and crackier (is that even a word?) so I hope you'll forgive the randomness. I just had to include Katsura in there somehow xD**** I also didn't really know how a yawn sounds so I wrote if after listening to myself yawning for the sixtieth time.**

**Review and get a Justaway!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Way too long since I've written something for this lovely pairing! I've found a bunch of fanart sites with really great GinTae art, which kinda surprised me. There are some really good ones out there and I can't stop looking for more and more. You can blame them for my lack of writing (or gintama_route18/fairyrose for releasing way too many nice doujinshi). **

**Rated T for implied things, gorilla-stalkers and violence towards eggs**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Getting killed over trivial things isn't worth it**

"Please, Gin-san, stop fidgeting."

"But you're pulling too hard!"

"Come on now, you're not a child anymore."

"But still," He flinched again, "You're pulling way too hard! Let me handle this!"

"Now, Gin-san, don't become impatient."

"Never trust a woman when it comes to this."

"What was that, Gin-san?" A small anger mark appeared on her forehead but her smile never faltered.

He tried to stop her, but she was faster than him in his current state. A battle of dominance she always won easily. The first-aid kit came flying against his head and Tae smiled as she watched the man fall back due to the sheer impact of the small white box, a groan coming from him as he experienced just how deadly such a small thing could become in her hands.

"Now then, any more complaints?" She asked in a bittersweet voice.

"No, ma'am, none…" He didn't dare protest again in favour of his already sore head, and sat up again, rubbing his head. He couldn't help to flinch every time that brute power of hers surfaced again to make sure his bandages would stay in place. Some more minutes passed in silence, some more complaining from him that was answered by a straight punch in the face and Tae was finally finished.

"So, completely done!" She gave him a slight pat on the back that only resulted in him letting out a small groan of discomfort. "Now, you haven't eaten yet, right?"

"…N-no, you really shouldn't!" He waved his hands in front of him and his expression changed from pained to horror at the thought of fried eggs, or rather Tae Shimura's famous fried eggs, the ones that could give an adult man amnesia in less than a second, which had been proven successfully a few seasons ago.

"Ah, really Gin-san, you haven't eaten anything yet. You need to so you can recover." She stood up and already opened the door to the kitchen, "I'll make some eggs."

"No!" He held out his hand in desperation but quickly regretted doing so as a familiar dark aura engulfed her and she stopped in her tracks.

She turned around, eyes glowing, and Gintoki could see something like dark matter being absorbed and collected between her two hands. "What did you say, Gin-san?" She still smiled but the dark matter grew even larger and some electricity sparked of off it.

"N-no, nothing at all…" He answered in a small voice, look of horror still on his face as she switched back to a more human-like appearance. He didn't feel like being poisoned for the second time in no less than three hours but he also didn't think getting killed over a discussion about fried eggs was worth it.

"Alright then!" She left the room and Gintoki sighed in relief as he watched her close the door. He put the rest of the supplies back in the box, not before sending it a glare, and closed it. The bandages covered his back, abdomen and also his left arm where the first bullet had hit him. They were all neatly applied and Gintoki was relieved to see most of the wounds had stopped bleeding. His clothes were still dripping wet and his yukata and shirt already hung out to dry, although he doubted he'd be able to wear them again, but the fact that he was an anime character did give him an unending supply of exactly the same clothes.

He lay back on the tatami mats and stared at the ceiling a bit. Most of his recollections of the night were still hazy but he knew he still needed to do something in the morning. He yawned and carefully stretched himself.

_'But that's for tomorrow.'_

He turned on his not injured side and closed his eyes. _'All hard working men need enough sleep so they can get up in the morning.'_

_He felt the cold bullet hit him and he staggered at the impact. He wasn't going to be able to stay conscious for very much longer, he was sure of that. His mouth tasted like a mix of blood and vomit and everything was spinning even more than before. Escape wasn't an option here, they were standing on both sides of the bridge and he doubted he'd be able to work his way through them, much less make a run for it. The only escape was the river, even if it was by a long shot. He staggered a bit more and let himself topple over the rail. _

_The water was colder than he had first thought, but that might have been because it was night. He winced as his right side and back protested at his movements. His left arm wasn't much better but it'd have to do for now. He heard some of them yell something, and some others already jumped in the water to check. He inwardly cursed but wasn't particularly surprised._

_'Damn yakuza.'_

_He swam till he was sure he was out of sight and gasped when he came up again. He could still see their lanterns but he was sure they couldn't see nor hear him. The water only reached his middle and he slowly stood back up. His breathing still came out in short gasps but he wasn't shaking as much anymore. Shivering at the cold air, he crawled out of the water, holding himself up by his knees and arms. He coughed a few times and watched the mix of blood and water with disgust._

'_Damn, I need to stop pulling stunts like that.' He tried to slow his rapid breathing and wiped some of the blood away that was coming from his mouth. He surveyed his wounds and grimaced at the bullet wound in his abdomen. The cut on his back wasn't too deep but it restricted his movements even more. He heard them yell that they couldn't find him and he froze. If they'd look further down the river..._

_He heard his shooter yell something and all the yakuza members crawled out of the water, probably to follow their new leader._

_'They're giving up.' _

_He let himself fall on the riverbank to take the weight of off his bleeding arm and carefully rolled over to sit up. He ripped a piece of his yukata's right sleeve, tying it around his abdomen to stop the bleeding. He flinched as he felt the cloth press against the fresh wound, and the white immediately turned red. He didn't know how long he sat there, waiting till he wasn't the dizziness subsided, but he guessed it must have been around ten minutes or so._

'_Now to get going… But where?' The Yorozuya wasn't that far. But still, he didn't feel much for letting his employees see him in this miserable state. 'Knowing Shinpachi, he'll probably stay with Kagura till I turn up again. So that means,' He stood up wobbly and covered his bandaged side with his left hand, 'His sister's alone at home.' _

_He remembered walking around the city at night, stopping every few minutes to rest. He knew he had reached the dojo but the rest of the time he had only been half conscious. He remembered her face when he had half-walked half-staggered inside, her dragging him inside with some difficulty and the sound of running water. _

"Gin-san!"

Gintoki slowly opened his eyes at the call and was mildly confused once he saw the worried expression on Tae's face. The man sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "What?"

"Ah, thank god you were only asleep." She sighed in relief and stood up, "I thought you had passed out again." She turned back to the door and grabbed the tray.

"Here." There was a small plate on it, decorated with something Gintoki would describe as burnt blackness.

Gintoki's face retorted in horror and the dizziness returned._ 'I really do feel like passing out now!'_

The egg gave off a malevolent glow and he swore it had moved just a second ago.

"Say 'ah'!"

"I'm not very hungry!" Gintoki made the distance between his mouth and the eggs visibly larger.

"Yorozuya!"

"Hn?" Both Gintoki and Tae looked around them for the source of the voice, but found none.

"How dare you refuse Otae-san's wonderful cooking! You don't have the right to be called a man!" Gintoki didn't even know if he had to be surprised or not when one of the tatami mats was lifted and Kondo crawled out of his hiding spot, which was apparently a tunnel he had dug under the Shimura dojo. The man stood in the middle of the room, between Gintoki and Tae, still dressed in his uniform.

"How can you even say that with so much pride seeing as you just crawled out of a very suspicious looking tunnel!"

"I only dug that tunnel to protect Otae-san from all the suspicious characters in this cruel world!"

"You're the suspicious character here!"

"I am not a suspicious character, Yorozuya, I merely watch over Otae-san", He breathed in deeply and let himself fall on one knee, "I am a pursuer of love!"

"Then go pursue this, you stupid gorilla!" The tray came, the commander of Edo's respectable police force was sent to kingdom come and Gintoki was surprised the tray hadn't broken at the impact. She did have the ability to kick out the gorilla without damaging her house, which was quite impressive, there would always be a door or window open for convenient use.

"Now, Gin-san," The eldest Shimura cracked her knuckles and turned back to her silver haired companion, "Didn't you say you were hungry?"

"…Yes, ma'am…"

She held out the chopsticks with the black substance on it and Gintoki found himself in a similar situation. Cornered, no visible escape route and the danger right ahead of him.

'_if I'm going to get killed anyway, it better be over this than over a kitchen disaster.' _

He held her wrist with his right hand and slowly reached forward.

"Hn… Gin-sa…"

The stalker had just been annihilated so he was free to do whatever he wanted, so he closed the space between them. The feeling of her lips on his own was familiar but he always enjoyed it, feeling her breath against his. She responded to the kiss and Gintoki slowly pushed her down, still not breaking their close contact. They broke apart and he held himself up by his arms, leaning mostly on the right one. He was looming over her but she did not stir. He still held himself up at arms length and peered into her eyes. She smiled at him and he reached towards her again, only to see her hold his 'dinner' in front of his face, eyes locking with his and narrowing at him.

"You're still not getting out of it."

* * *

**Indeed it has been too long. I need to write more about these two. Any ideas for a next one? Feel free to share your thoughts/wishes with the writer. I don't really know what to say anymore, Rumbel had just released episode 116 so I forgot to upload. My memory isn't the best when it comes to remembering important things... This wasn't one of my best, I know, but I haven't had good ideas lately for this pairing. I tried to make the best of it so I hope you still enjoyed it! (And my attempt at slight drama)**


	5. Chapter 5

**This is something that has been killing me for a while now. First, let me apologize for the ridiculous long wait. I have been concentrating more on my longer story that on actual one-shots. This has been on my computer for a while now, but only got around to finishing it tonight. However, I do hope you can forgive me, as this is about 4,500 words long or so. It's pure crack, mixed with loads of characters and references. Oh an while I'm at it, I don't own the concept of seppuku or Gintama, nor do I own Bleach, Basara or Kuroshitsuji. **

**Rated T for death threats, shady references and torture of Yamazaki**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Marriages usually end in disaster **

Even though he took several deep breaths, Gintoki still felt as he couldn't get enough oxygen. The sight before him was too shocking, too unexpected and too gruesome.

He didn't expect ever to land here, he had expected to at least get killed by a stray Shinsengumi bomb at the age of 25, maybe get run over by a car when getting Jump on a Saturday, die of diabetes if he didn't quickly stop eating so much parfaits, or maybe that lunatic Takasugi would finally kill him off, but then again, that probably wouldn't have been the best end to the series… He would have never guessed he would walk down this path that only lead to pain, possible premature death, even more pain, and force him to get an actual job.

'_I'm not ready for this, I am way too young. More over, as the main character, aren't I supposed to be single my whole life? Isn't that how it usually goes? Keep all the fans guessing and hoping for those hints? The yaoi fans would complain to Sunrise, they would stalk Sorachi-sama and they would possibly come to get revenge. Maybe not only the yaoi fans, but all fans in general. Isn't the fun of all this that they can pair me up with whoever they like? Isn't that why we had those fan service episodes back then? Those DVD covers didn't really help after all, not even that fake movie ticket! But this surely won't improve our ratings, they will drop drastically! What the hell are the writers thinking?! Gin-san is everyone's Gin-san! Don't go making life-changing decisions without telling me about them first! Wh-'_

"Gin-san, would you please stop your inner conflict?" Tae linked her arm with his and picked up the pace a little "Please don't act as if this is your wedding, you're confusing the readers. One of the girls at 'Snack Smile' invited me here and she said I could bring some guests, so please behave a little." She flashed him a smile – _Come along or die_ – and went to join her brother at his table.

Gintoki sighed and let himself be pulled by the girl – she could read his mind through unknown powers – and resisting would only lead to painful endings, so cooperating seemed to be the most logic solution.

"Or is this your way of showing that you'd never want to marry me?" Tae stopped mid-way, turned towards him with a smile that veiled an extreme aggression and malice that could make the devil itself go down on its knees to beg for mercy.

Gintoki quickly shook his head.

"N-no, of course not." He laughed sheepishly, "Haha, it's just the stress you know…"

"How silly of you, Gin-san…" She continued to pull him with her. She was dressed in her fanciest kimono, he had been put in formal clothing. Gintoki had first wanted to come in his regular clothes – "Like hell I'll dress up for that lot!" – but she had beaten that idea out of him with a punch to the face and a knee dangerously close to his manhood, so once again, it had been proven that women were not the weaker sex, at least if Tae could represent normal women – something he doubted severely.

They headed towards the table where Shinpachi, who narrowed his eyes upon seeing their linked arms, continued to observe them as his sister dragged Gintoki to the table, and then sat in between the two men. Kagura was seated in front of her on the other side of the round table, gulping down all that was edible and within her reach, even if she couldn't name half of all the things that were being served.

"You shouldn't get so excited, Kagura-chan," Tae remarked, not even succeeding in stopping the girl for one second, "The reception hasn't even started yet."

Kagura looked up and swallowed down the remains of a sandwich before speaking up, "I know, Anego, but this is the first time I've ever attended a wedding between humans." A butler carrying a tray full of small appetizers passed by their table and Kagura quickly snatched the tray from him. "Last time I went to a wedding, there were only bananas." She swiftly cleared the tray and handed it back to the baffled butler. "Although they were good bananas, but the taste got a bit sour as soon as I noticed that sadist bastard was there as well." The joyful expression on her face quickly turned to one of disgust at the mere mention of his name, and she spat on the floor, effectively making the butler flee, having never experienced something like that in his whole life.

Gintoki ignored her antics – he was used to it by now, hell, she had taken even after his own habits – and looked around the room as more and more people started to flood in. The whole damn place was decorated, there were way to many flowers for his liking and there even was an orchestra.

"Oi, oi, this is some fancy reception here. You sure she works at that bar of yours?" He asked, as he saw some rather rich-looking people enter the room, some wearing Western-style clothes, while others had kept the traditional kimono.

"But of course, Gin-san." Tae replied, "She got a proposal from a man who frequents 'Snack Smile'. Ah, he just entered."

Gintoki turned his head in the direction of the door. A small man, rather heavily built and probably nearing his fifties, and the woman on his arm, clearly younger and more attractive, entered the room.

"I fail to see how she could be attracted to him." Gintoki stated deadpan.

Tae gave him a very sweet smile. "It's his wallet that's attractive, Gin-san."

Shinpachi sweat-dropped. "Aneue, I don't think that's a good basis for marriage…"

"More than half of the marriages are based on money, Shin-chan."

"Youngsters these days, they think of nothing but money." Gintoki said, scratching his hair for the lack of a better thing to do. "But it's not only youngsters, there seems to be an old lady who frequently comes to knock at my door to demand money." He shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. "People think of nothing but money anymore…"

"Gin-san," Shinpachi looked up from putting food in his Tupperware, "She has every right to demand money, she's your landlady…"

"She is?!" He looked actually generally surprised.

Shinpachi tried very hard and succeeded in only focusing on his Tupperware instead of going into a rant on how he could've possibly not known of the existence of his landlady who lived downstairs. He did keep an eye on his boss; he had been acting strange around his sister for a while now and he was sure something was going on between the two of them. He shouldn't jump to conclusions, but he wouldn't let his sister get involved with a lazy, dead-fish eyed bum with diabetes and an empty wallet. He glanced briefly at them, starting to fill his second Tupperware box, and saw something that made his suspicions all the more reasonable. Tae had put her hand on Gintoki's one that was resting on his left thigh, and he hadn't even flinched, nor had he pulled away, meaning that he was used to it. He continued to watch them and when he saw his boss take her hand and squeeze it back slightly, he could feel his anger increase by a tenfold. He closed the Tupperware with so much force that it exploded and its contents were spilled all over the table and floor.

Food splattered on the table, and Tae and Gintoki looked back at Shinpachi questionably, whilst Kagura continued to devour the food.

"Ara? Shin-chan, is something wrong?" Tae asked her brother, not having noticed that he had noticed their little 'moment'. Gintoki looked at him, already suspecting what his problem exactly was, and discretely removed his hand. Damn Otaku…

Gintoki continued to stare mindlessly in front of him – or at least trying to evade Shinpachi's piercing glare – until he noticed a rather familiar figure. Geta sandals, ponytail, eye patch and followed by a man with eyes that could even guide him when they were closed.

Yes indeed, heavens had forsaken him, leaving him to die a horrible death, his last moments doomed to be filled with pain and regret.

"Kyuu-chan!" Tae stood up and waved at her friend to come over. Kyuubei walked up to their table, follow by Toujo, and greeted Tae with a smile that she reserved especially for her.

"Thank you for inviting us, Tae-chan."

'_She actually invited this psychopath?!'_ But Gintoki kept his mouth shut.

Tae sat down again next to Gintoki, and Kyuubei looked from her friend back to the silver haired man, and narrowed her eye at him.

'_Great,'_ Gintoki thought, feeling that his demise would become even more painful than he had expected earlier, _'Now I don't only have a crazy otaku teenager against me, now I also have a cross-dressing woman with a distinct love for violence after my blood.'_

Toujo Ayumu followed the gaze of his Young Master and, since his eyes were always closed anyway, he just knitted his eyebrows to show his disapproval towards Gintoki.

'_Even him?!'_

Toujo laid a hand on his sword, and was presumably going unsheathe it, but Kyuubei gave him a look that told him to stop, as wanting to say; 'Not now, wait for him to be alone somewhere so we can corner him and take him out.'

'_That was way too detailed! Just to what extent do they have a grudge against me?!'_

Gintoki wanted to get out of there, he was sure he would meet his end if he were to rest here any longer. The women started to talk about nothing in particular, and Gintoki looked for an escape route.

Plan A: Just take a run for it.

Tae sent him a look and flashed him a smile – _stay or die._

Plan A failed, Plan B.

'_Wait, I don't even have a Plan B! That was the only way!'_ Gintoki started to give up; surely the whole world was against him, there was no way in hell fate would bring all these disastrous circumstances together unless it had a grudge against him, and wanted to get him killed no matter what.

"Ah, isn't that Oryou-chan?" Tae looked past Kyuubei, who turned her head to look. She noticed a young lady, also dressed in a more formal kimono, with short light brown hair, carrying a little purse with her.

Oryou had already noticed them and also joined them at their table, and after greeting everyone, she also looked at Tae, then at Gintoki, measured the distance between their chairs in an instant and narrowed her eyes at the man.

'_What the hell?! You're a filler character! What is up with that look of disapproval and loathing towards the main character here?!'_

Gintoki felt that he was being watched from every corner, even though the three ladies were discussing things, Kagura was still eating, Shinpachi was filling Tupperware and Toujo was scanning the area for any possible dangers that could harm his Young Master. Gintoki started to feel increasingly uncomfortable and shifted a bit in his seat, he needed an excuse to get out of here for a second. He couldn't stand those looks any longer, they went right through his whole being and soul. He needed a distraction, if only a small one.

"Oryou-chan! Please marry me~!"

Perfect.

The yell could've only come from long-time friend and idiot Sakamoto. He sort of flew through the air, heading towards Oryou with arms wide open and an idiotic grin plastered on his face. Oryou kicked him skillfully in the family jewels with a huff and a 'No, thank you'. The man fell to the ground, and whilst the ladies picked up their conversation again – he could still feel the looks he was getting – Gintoki poked Sakamoto with his sandal, checking for any signs of life. Only he poked him just a little too hard, making him roll on his back. His arm slightly bumped against Kyuubei's leg and Gintoki knew Sakamoto was doomed.

"Ah, excuse m-"

"Ryaaaah!" Kyuubei kicked him hard, sending him flying over their table into the nearest wall, and Gintoki watched the man slowly slide off the wall and fall onto the ground. At least now he had an excuse to leave the table.

He stood up – still feeling the stares of an otaku with a sister-complex, a cross dressing woman and a kintama-kicking cabaret girl on his back – and dragged Sakamoto by his collar out of the room, dumping him somewhere on the ground in the hallway.

'_I didn't even want to come.'_ Gintoki sulked a little, and sat down next to the unconscious body of his old friend. The beaten-up body got a few looks from people as they passed, and someone was also on the verge of calling an ambulance as a pool of blood started to form next to the unconscious man, but Gintoki assured them that Sakamoto was an idiot and that idiots didn't die. At least he hoped so, Tae would probably kill him if he'd let the man die on this 'happy occasion'.

He was going to stand up and head back, but heard a groan and realized that Tatsuma must have woken up, but he wasn't sure if the Tatsuma down there had survived, it had been one hell of a kick. It would deserve him right, the damn bastard went after any woman he laid his eyes on.

"Ah that was a hard kick…" The young man sat up and scratched his hair, completely ignoring the blood that was dripping from his forehead. He flashed Gintoki a smile. "I can see why you'd want to stay on Earth, Kintoki, I didn't know you had a girlfriend."

Gintoki stared at him blankly. For an idiot, he was oddly clever.

"N-no, she isn't –"

"Don't try to deny it, Kintoki! I read the pairing on the top of the page."

A vein throbbed on Gintoki's forehead. "I'm leaving."

"Ah, don't go yet, Kintoki!"

Sakamoto laughed merrily and jumped up from his position on the ground.

"Ah, I feel a little dizzy…"

Gintoki started to walk away. "That's probably from all the blood you've lost."

"I think I might've died there." Sakamoto said, looking at his feet. "I'm a bit transparent."

"Your head has always been transparent, it probably is affecting your legs as well." Gintoki replied.

"Ah, but still… Is that man dressed in black supposed to appear?"

"It's nothing, that's just the groom's best man."

"Ah, I see. Ma, he looks a bit threatening though, with the cape and the scythe and all"

"He's just into cosplay, don't worry about it." Gintoki got up now and walked unwillingly back to the reception. Sakamoto walked next to him, albeit slightly limping and losing some blood along the way.

"Ahaha! He's following me! Hahaha! You sure he's the best man Gintoki?" Sakamoto didn't stop laughing but did seem a bit nervous. "I don't think it's custom to wear a cape inside."

"Don't worry about it, he's just a bit shy and all, besides, it isn't custom for someone to wear sunglasses inside either. Take them off. Or better, take them off and just go say hello to the fellow over there, a meeting of similar minds." And with that said, Gintoki entered the reception again and went over to their table. He sat down again and watched from a distance as Sakamoto slowly made his way over to the _best man_, only to have the guy try to decapitate him with his scythe, saying something about Soul Society. Sakamoto just laughed at him and offered him a drink.

The three ladies had gone over to their friend who was marrying the rich guy to congratulate her, so Gintoki only had to deal with one disapproving look for now. The only thing Shinpachi could do was complain about it, if both he and Tae wanted to continue this relationship, there was nothing he could do about it anyway. He could however tell his sister's stalker, who would probably send the whole Shinsengumi after him, but for the sake of not spoiling his mood any further, he discarded all his negative thoughts and focused on how Kagura was attacking another butler in search for food. Shinpachi didn't say anything anymore, but looked around the room till his gaze fell on something or rather someone. He took off his glasses, cleaned them with a napkin, looked again and blinked a few times.

"Gin-san, is there any particular reason why Sakamoto-san is looking a bit transparent?"

"He just drank a bit too much." Gintoki said as he saw Kagura uppercut one of the butlers.

"There's no way anyone would get like that from drinking!" Shinpachi yelled.

Gintoki sighed and turned to his employee. "Don't worry, Shinpachi-kun, why do you think they don't let minors drink? If there's nothing in your head, you could end up like that you know."

"Stop trying to get off by giving an obvious invented explanation, act like an adult already!"

"Ah, you've hurt Gin-san deeply, Shinpachi-kun, kids these days are so cruel…"

"You're changing the subject!"

"Keep your voice down a bit, people are staring you know." And Gintoki stuck a little finger up his nose.

"Gin-san, I think Kagura-chan is attracting a lot more attention." Shinpachi said, as a few men came up and tried to restrain her, only to be all knocked out, one of them even went flying and knocked over the table closest to the silver haired man and his unpaid employee.

"She's just a bit excited and all." Gintoki answered, blowing some nasal dirt off the tip of his finger.

"That's way over excitement!" Shinpachi yelled and pointed at Kagura again, flailing his arms like his life depended on it.

"Leave it, you're overdoing it." He saw Shinpachi was on the verge of telling him off again, but he apparently restrained himself and sat back down. He grabbed another Tupperware and started to fill it with all Kagura had either left over or not noticed.

Gintoki ignored him like he usually did and continued to stare into nothingness. He should have brought Jump, at least he could do something useful instead of sitting here, waiting for the damn reception to end while watching Four-Eyes fill up the next box of Tupperware, though he was glad that there were no women left to disapprove of him. That damn One-Eyed Dragon was probably the most dangerous of them, not to forget that guy – Gintoki never really remembered his name – that was always clinging to her, or at least following her around at a fair distance, cutting down anything that could pose as a threat or give his Young Master even the slightest inconvenience. As he stuck his pinky up his nose out of habit, he wondered how much they actually paid him to do all that. Did he maybe have a Faustian contract?

Gintoki pulled his pinky out again, not longer thinking about during his days, they didn't have fancy demons in tailcoats running around, and he gazed lazily around the room again. _'Just where is that guy anyway?'_ He was far from paranoid but he liked to keep an eye on those out for his life. He had only thought about it when he felt a presence behind him. He ducked to his right, barely avoiding a slash that had come from behind him.

"Ah, excuse me, Sakata-san," Toujo said, "My sword slipped." And he let his index finger pass over the blade, as if checking for any dents.

"Like hell it did!" Gintoki shouted at him, getting up from his rather awkward position on the ground. He dusted himself off, excused himself and took a run for it, in case Toujo's sword _slipped_ again.

The day couldn't get worse. Why had he even agreed to come here?

Oh wait, the death threat had probably done the trick.

Why couldn't he just be at home, reading some Jump, drinking some strawberry milk and doing generally nothing? He wondered if this could be considered karma. He hadn't done anything wrong to anyone, had he? He hadn't paid his rent, but he never did that, so it couldn't all just backfire on him, could it? Maybe all those months of unpaid rent were now here to haunt him, ruin his life and kill him slowly. It was the only possible explanation for all this, why else would all of this be happening?

He had almost neared the exit, almost there, just a _little_ bit further.

Gintoki was going to exit the hall, escape while no one saw him and it was still possible, but on that exact moment, a whole group of people entered.

Someone must've cursed him…

All of them were men, dressed just as formal as everyone around here, but the fact that is was them, was too much for Gintoki too handle. He wanted to kill himself right there and now, finish it before it got too ugly, commit seppuku as Mayora would say.

"Ah, Danna, also attending the party are you?" Yamazaki's voice just sounded too cheery to him. It wasn't a good day, far from it.

"What is it, Yamazaki?" Gintoki could already hear Hijikata's demanding voice resonating through the room, and Yamazaki quickly turned to see their vice-commander, who didn't seem that pleased.

"Yorozuya? What the fuck are you doing here?! If you interfere with our work, I'll have you commit seppuku!"

"Gladly." Gintoki deadpanned, that didn't seem too bad of an idea.

Hijikata unsheathed his katana and swung it down at Gintoki, who sidestepped it with a flash.

A vein throbbed on Hijikata's forehead as he pulled out his katana from where it had hit a large dent in the floor.

"Are you mocking me?!"

"I wouldn't dare to, and why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be terrorizing the city?"

"Why you-" Hijikata was going to launch another attack, but the captain of the First Division stepped in, smiling at Hijikata with that usual sadistic smile of his.

"Please don't fight here, Hijikata-san, we are supposed to be here undercover to protect all the important guests here."

Okita smiled at Gintoki. "It's good to see you again, Danna."

"Can't say the same." And with that, he turned around and headed towards the table again; anything was better than those Shinsengumi dogs. But wait, if those three were here – he looked at Mayora, Sadist and Prince of Badminton swinging his racket around, only to be chased by Mayora and get beat up – he was sure that Gorilla would be here somewhere as well, and it'd be a pain if he'd notice Tae was also here. She was perfectly capable of taking care of herself – with or without the additional damage to her surroundings - that was the least of his concern. He did however fear that Shinpachi might let the Gorilla know of his little 'discovery', mainly what was exactly going on between him and Tae. Shinpachi would just ask, disapprove and possibly complain about it, but the commander was on a completely different level. He'd stalk him, send the Shinsengumi after him, and challenge him to a manly swordfight every day. Gintoki was sure it'd be the end of him, he didn't have enough money to supply all those wooden swords.

He quickly gazed around the room a last time: Hijikata was still beating up Yamazaki, Okita was headed for their table – obviously intending to go and fight with his eternal rival till the sun set, Shinpachi was trying to strain Kagura, Tae was talking to Oryou, so was the cross-dresser, and her guard wasn't far behind her, and last but not least there was Tatsuma. Wait, where was that airhead anyway? Did the _best man_ not enjoy his drink?

He let it be; Tatsuma would always turn up somehow and cause some more problems. Now, for the sake of his own survival, he had to escape. Screw getting killed by Tae; if Kondo found out, he'd have to deal with the four knight op the Apocalypse at once; Gorilla, Shinpachi, Cross-Dresser and her guard. Gintoki turned heel and was ready to take a run for it.

"Ah, Kintoki! Don't leave yet!" Sakamoto threw an arm around his shoulders, latching on to him and preventing the silver haired man from walking away. Gintoki knew he had made a mistake not looking for the man earlier. He tried to pry the man's hand away from his shoulder, but didn't succeed in the least.

"Oi! Kintoki! What's wrong?" Sakamoto said to him as the man tried to twist out of the man's grip once more.

'_Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it.'_ Gintoki continued this mantra in his mind and searched for any possible escape route.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to that girlfriend of yours? You know, the one with the ponytail you were sitting next to. She is your girlfriend, right? Ah, what was her name again? Tae? Otae?"

Gintoki felt like someone had just thrown a bucket of ice cold water over his head. This was the end. Marriages always ended in disaster, and this one wasn't an exception, even if it wasn't his own.

He could see four figures advancing on him, each surrounded by a menacing aura.

Surely, this was the Apocalypse.

* * *

**Surely, this killed me. I first wanted to do a marriage fic, filled with crack and whatnot, but I ended up with this. My brain scares me sometimes... But I at least hope you enjoyed it, and it was worth a bit of the wait. But seriously, this hiatus was way too long, and I don't have an excuse for it. Torture Yamazaki if you are still a bit frustrated... Okita will gladly assist.**


End file.
